Gift giving

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Receiving presents as a child always made me extremely anxious. Whether it was Christmas or my birthday, I had to mentally prepare to feign excitement and happiness, knowing whatever was in the box would be a disappointment. Now, one might say, you should be thankful for any presents at all, but I do not subscribe to this philosophy. And the truth is, some people are really bad at giving presents, while others seem to have a gift for giving.

People approach gift giving in different ways. Some are minimalists, some are maximalists. Some give just to let you know that you were on their list, and others give so much you shrink with embarrassment. Some people say, “I’m not good at giving presents.” But to say this is a kind of moral failing. It is a forfeiture and a dispossession of self. People who are not good at giving gifts, I’ve found, have a hard time imagining the world from the perspective of another.

There is an art to gift giving. There is a style about it. There are certain elements that go into giving a good gift. In One-Way Street, Walter Benjamin wrote, “Gifts must affect the receiver to the point of shock.” I don’t necessarily agree with Benjamin on this point, though, to achieve shock is always a delight. Gift giving is an act of empathy, and can inspire a kind of seriousness or child-like wonder.

Excerpt from Walter Benjamin’s One-Way Street.

The first element of good gift giving is that giving should not be compulsory. Much like dreaded New Year’s Eve celebrations which promise fun on-demand, gift giving is treated like something that must be done. All too often it is a joyless burden that weighs like a nightmare on the brain until at last we awaken with the swipe of a credit card. One more off the list.

Still, people expect presents. This is another problem, but if you know that someone will expect a gift—a significant other, perhaps—I suggest buying in advance when the mood strikes during the year and it doesn’t feel like an errand. 

The second element is non-attachment. As the gift giver one wants to please, one wants the other to delight in the opening. But how can one fully enjoy receiving a gift when there is a person, or gaggle of people, staring at them waiting for a response? How can one enjoy opening a present when the weight of expectations are cast down upon them like a shadow?

For a period of my youth, my mother, much to my dismay, told everyone to buy me ceramic carousel horses for the holidays. She told me that it would be easier for people to buy presents for me if I collected something. The only things I desired to collect at the time were books and seashells, but this did not matter, I had no say. And as a child, sitting around the kitchen table, opening box after box while everyone glared at me, each present felt more like the shock of a knife wound than a present.

Hannah Arendt to Karl Jaspers on receiving a record player for her 50th birthday.

This leads me to the third element, which is imagination. I was so hurt by the “gifts” that I received as a child because they had nothing to do with me. At best they were really gifts for my mother, at worst they felt like an act of misrecognition. In order to give a good gift one must think about the other. One must meditate on the other. One must listen to what the other says in conversation. (Take notes.) One must imagine the world from the perspective of another, and imagine what will bring them joy, shock, and delight. All too often we imagine our own delight in purchasing a gift, but we must let go of our own wants and desires. And when one does this, when one attends to the other in this way, the act of gift giving becomes joyful. In the words of Theodor Adorno, “Real giving had its joy in imagining the joy of the receiver.”

In Minima Moralia, Adorno reflects on the decay of gift giving in contemporary society:

The decay of giving is mirrored in the distressing invention of gift-articles, based on the assumption that one does not know what to give because one really does not want to. This merchandise is unrelated like its buyers. It was a drug in the market from the first day. Likewise, the right to exchange the article, which signifies to the recipient: take this, it’s all yours, do what you like with it; if you don’t want it, that’s all the same to me, get something else instead. Moreover, by comparison with the embarrassment caused by ordinary presents this pure fungibility represents the more human alternative, because it at least allows the receiver to give himself a present, which is admittedly in absolute contradiction to the gift.

Which leads to the fourth element: non-reciprocation. Gifts should be given freely. The other person doesn’t owe you a gift or gifts in return. It is not an exchange; it is a giving. In George Bataille’s work The Accursed Share, he reminds us that gift giving has often been used historically as a form of instrumental power to create a debt. Your gift should not levy a debt or duty upon another person. People have different abilities to give and the quality of the present depends upon your imagination, not the price-tag.

And finally, do not demand that the other person open the present in front of you. Give it to the other person with complete release. It is out of your hands. Let them enjoy the receiving and opening on their own terms at their own pace without pressure. Perhaps they delight in ripping the package open, perhaps they want to let it sit and linger for added pleasure. Let the gift be free of stress and without expectations.

Gift giving is an art form that takes time. When it’s not compulsory it is easier to give from a place of non-attachment, and when you’re not attached to the gift you’re giving you open up space to imagine the other person’s joy, and in releasing all expectations you can give unconditionally. In this giving, the real present you are giving another person is a sense of care and being understood.

Happy giving,

S

Excerpt from Theodor Adorno’s Minima Moralia.